What Is Perfectionism? A Good Enough Blog Post That Almost Never Was

As I sat, staring at the wretched, pulsating cursor ….my blood pressure began to rise and I could feel the familiar pit of shame in my stomach. It had been awhile since I had written for a public audience, and my old friend perfectionism came creeping in (she loves to show up when I approach something new). Perfectionism’s greatest hits began to play in my mind, “You must strike the absolute right tone of relatable, compassionate, witty, and educational while using jargon-free but still smart-sounding language…. Otherwise everyone will think you’re incompetent.”

While the song titles changed, the album of YOU WILL BE REJECTED was on cognitive repeat. I started to feel anxiety coursing throughout my body anytime I approached the keyboard. Then came the Googling. Oh, the Googling (How do I find my writing voice? Am I an imposter? Re-reading articles I already know.) The main dish of doubt and procrastination was only followed by the dessert of writing and re-writing the title twenty times and the self-derision each time I fell short of ideal. And while the momentary safety of avoidance may have provided temporary relief from the idea of rejection and the discomfort of fear and shame, it left me exhausted and with eroded confidence…and nearly without a blog post.   

The hilarious irony of a blog post about perfectionism nearly getting derailed because of perfectionism is not lost on me-but here we are. Because I know that on the other side of no blog post is a stronger belief and fear that I am not good enough and I only deserve to show up if I can perform perfectly (read: never). So after using the tools I’ve learned, I’m showing up, imperfectly, in the hopes that this information might be helpful to someone stuck in the throes of perfectionism. Someone who wants to live a big, satisfied, connected life, but whose life feels small, dissatisfying, and lonely due to the confines of perfectionism.

In our achievement-obsessed culture, perfectionism is often coded as a badge of honor and is confused with adaptive striving (myth: it’s not the same). So perhaps I’ll start with what it’s not. Adaptive striving, or striving for excellence, is rooted from a place of worthiness… so the pursuit of high goals is met with excitement, seen as an opportunity for growth even when “failures” happen, and builds confidence along the way. Where striving for excellence whispers “you’ve got this,” and “you’re more than what you produce,” perfectionism shouts “you’ll never get there,” and “if you can’t perform, you’re a failure.”

 When striving comes from a place of self-worth, goal-obtainment feels satisfying and exciting and productivity is more sustainable. When it comes from a place of trying to hustle for one’s worthiness, reaching a goal feels more like a momentary sigh of relief and satisfaction is short-lived or non-existent, with burnout becoming the norm. Perfectionistic striving is like trying to fill a bucket that has been punctured (read: injured, not broken) with more water (hint: it needs something other than water). So perhaps let’s pause and reflect-how do you treat yourself when you fall short or when you succeed? How does the thought of not performing perfectly feel? If you find yourself wincing or uneasy (I feel you), it might be helpful to keep reading.  

Perfectionism is both a personality trait and a coping style characterized by setting excessively high standards, striving for flawlessness, and being overly critical of oneself or others when those standards aren’t met. It also typically involves a truckload of doubt and concern about making mistakes. It can become a vicious cycle of: setting an impossibly high bar, working yourself to exhaustion trying to reach it (overthinking, overworking, over-preparing, procrastination, repeat), feeling anxious the whole time, and maybe succeeding or not — but either way, it doesn’t feel like enough. Cue shame. Cue self-criticism. Cue raising the bar even higher next time. And sometimes, it looks like a whole lot of not showing up at all because this feels safer than the possibility of failing.

While perfectionism tends to share these overlapping processes, it can show up in different flavors for different folks. In fact, psychologists conceptualize the following three domains of perfectionism:

1.     Self-Oriented Perfectionism- Placing impossible standards on yourself (i.e., “I must be flawless”). Signs might include:

o   You set goals so high they’re nearly impossible to meet.

o   You feel crushed (not just disappointed) when you make mistakes.

o   You rewrite, edit, or “fix” endlessly before sharing anything (not just work products, but even yourself socially)

o   Success feels fleeting — you move the goalposts as soon as you achieve something.

o   You struggle to feel satisfied with your work, appearance, or accomplishments.

o   Self-talk often sounds like: “I should have done better… I’m not good enough yet.”

2.     Other-Oriented Perfectionism- Expecting others to meet unrealistic standards (i.e., “You must do it perfectly.” Signs might include:

• You often feel irritated or critical when others don’t meet your expectations.

• You find it difficult to delegate because “no one else will do it right.”

• You feel disappointed in relationships because people let you down.

• You expect others to adhere to rules or methods you believe are “correct.”

• You catch yourself being judgmental (even silently) when others make mistakes.

• Internal voice: “Why can’t they just do it the right way?”

3.     Socially Prescribed Perfectionism- Believing others expect you to be perfect (i.e., “Everyone will judge me if I’m not flawless.”)

o   You constantly worry about how others perceive you.

o   You fear rejection or humiliation if you show weakness.

o   You avoid trying new things because failing feels too risky.

o   You overextend yourself trying to meet others’ expectations.

o   Criticism (even mild) feels devastating, as if it confirms you’re “not enough.

o   Inner monologue: “If they really knew me, they’d think less of me.”

It is possible to experience one or all of these forms of perfectionism­-what did you notice internally as you read the descriptions? Did any resonate with you?

 While each of these forms may show up in this way day-to-day, on a deeper level, perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do your best. It’s the crushing belief that you are not enough (or too much) as you are, and therefore you must perform to earn value. It’s not just cognitive, it’s relational and emotional-perfectionism is usually the way in which one has learned to try to cope with the shame of feeling not enough and fear that rejection is always waiting around the corner (“if I am/do perfect, then maybe I’ll be loved, accepted, etc.).  If we get curious with perfectionism, its intention is usually to try to meet one’s needs for connection, autonomy, emotional safety, or self-esteem. Because at the end of the day, these needs are core to our humanness and survival.

But the hard part is, how can one ever feel enough for themselves or others, when acceptance is conditional? Unfortunately, despite its best intentions, perfectionism paradoxically reinforces the very beliefs and feelings it is trying to protect us from. And in the process, it can lead to life shrinking, feeling more disconnected, and pure exhaustion. But jeesh, our perfectionistic parts sure are TRYING…like they literally should get the Lifetime Hustle Award.  

What’s even harder is that in many ways, perfectionism may have “worked” for you. It may have scored you a raise, the praise of others, shiny trophies, or a following of others who like you for the veneered or self-sacrificing version you’ve presented them. The social reinforcement of these patterns is often a part of what can make it so scary to imagine taking off the armor of perfectionism. But I have to wonder, what is the cost of not trying something different? Perhaps it would be helpful to consider, what has perfectionism cost you? Oftentimes, I find that once we get past the facade of the immaculately constructed castle, we realize that the drawbridges are closed, the interior feels empty and lonely, and there’s a longing for more.

The research clearly supports the costs of perfectionism. In fact, so much so, that it is a risk factor for nearly every concerning psychological outcome (e.g., depression, anxiety, eating disorders, quality of life, suicidality). And while it is trying so hard to help us belong and achieve, it tends to erode our relationship to ourselves and others, leading to loneliness, social disconnection, decreased productivity, and reduced creativity and play….all the things that tend to make life feel a lot lighter and more meaningful.

If this resonates, please know that you don’t have to carry the weight of perfectionism alone and there can be a different way. A way that doesn’t strip you of who you are, but can help to direct the energy driving perfectionism in a way that will help to fuel you, rather than drain you. A path in which you can lead from a place of security rather than scarcity, and in which your system can relearn to be safe with you, just as you are (and to have some boundaries, compassion, and some dang fun along the way!). If you’re interested in learning more about perfectionism, stayed tuned for the next blog detailing where perfectionism comes from or check out some of the self-guided resources below. However, everyone’s experience of perfectionism is unique, and the reasons it shows up and its impact are nuanced. If you feel like you’d benefit from personalized, compassionate support tailored to you, free to reach out and book a free 15-minute consultation call. 

Self-Guided Resources:

How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D.

The ACT Workbook for Perfectionism by Jennifer Kemp, MPsych

The Internal Family Systems Workbook by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.